


Worthless

by Jeni182



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andreil, M/M, POV Andrew Minyard, Scars, depressed andrew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-22 16:33:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22186468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeni182/pseuds/Jeni182
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 22
Kudos: 108





	Worthless

_I am worthless._

It’s like a marquee in Andrew’s brain. It scrolls through, over and over and over again. Bright and red and flashing.

_I am worthless._

As a cousin, as a brother, as a friend.

As a human.

_I am worthless._

He tries to do things he thinks can make up for his inherent worthlessness. Maybe by being a protector, he can repent. Maybe by putting himself in harm’s way, he can claim penitence. _Maybe, Maybe, Maybe._

Andrew does not want to die, despite his worthlessness. That would be too easy, he thinks. Cowardly, to end his life when he has done nothing with it. Not yet. He has killed and stolen and flicked ash on the common niceties of people who are not worthless.

They don’t really get it.

Neil gets it, he thinks. He tries not to think, though, because Neil is something that he is not comfortable with. He could keep getting off with him, if he wanted. And he does. But he denies it to himself because he is not allowed to want things. That’s a dangerous game. The things he wants are usually taken from him. Stolen. Or he ruins them himself, because worthless people are not deserving of nice things.

Neil is a very nice thing, in the sense that he’s not nice at all.

Neil responds to Andrew's hands like a person touch starved. Like a person who did not know that a fingertip pressing into a nipple could cause such a visceral reaction, and he looks up at Andrew in awe, every single time. Andrew likes this. It makes him feel less worthless, in the heat of the moment.

But there is a problem. There is something else there. Something foreign and frightening. It starts when they kiss on the roof every night, and it lasts until he’s back in his bed in the dorm and reminding himself about how worthless people cannot have nice things. But it’s there and he hates it.

He hates Neil for making him feel it.

Andrew lies in bed, listening to Kevin snore. Flicking his eyes to his twin.

_Is that what I look like when I sleep? Peaceful and blank? No, probably not._

He rubs his face on the pillow and looks to the small window in the room.

He should stop this thing with Neil. He wants to protect him, to make sure he’s around long enough to keep Kevin from running straight to Edgar Allen. Kevin is a coward. Andrew is too, but he would never admit that to anyone. Except maybe Bee.

Neil feels the thing, too. Andrew doesn’t know if he even realizes it, but he does. He can tell by the way Neil’s hands tremble when they’re wrapped in Andrew’s hair and the way he gasps, just a little, every time Andrew kisses him quiet.

He should stop this thing with Neil.

But he can’t. And every second of every day, he digs his hole a little deeper. He has one foot in, right now. Two feet, very soon. If he lets this go on, if he lets himself feel the things that threaten to crack his policy on not allowing any sort of feeling to show, he will be buried up to his neck, struggling to keep his head above ground.

Andrew turns to his other side, away from the window. Away from the room. He curls himself into the tightest, smallest ball he can manage. He slips his armbands off, one and then the other. He trails his fingers down his scarred forearm and closes his eyes. Deep breaths.

He should stop this thing with Neil.

But he knows he can’t. Because he is a coward.

_I am worthless._


End file.
